Q. For someone who has been told all their life by their family or peers that they won’t achieve their aims, how can they dispose of negative beliefs? Do they need counselling?
A. It really depends on the individual, it depends on their aims and goals and it depends on how much they believe the peer pressure propaganda.
The three step way to get rid of these negative beliefs are; 1. Realise that the negative lessons you’ve have learnt can be unlearnt and new more accurate and supporting beliefs can replace them. 2. The opinion of the people that fed you this barrage of negativity was probably inaccurate and was definitely unhelpful. 3. Surround yourself with more positive people and feed yourself positive information.
Q. What are the reasons why people commonly lack self-esteem?
A. As babies and young children, we don’t lack self-esteem, it is beaten out of us by our well-meaning parents, teachers and peers. Being confident and being comfortable being yourself completely is, in my opinion, everyone’s natural state, it’s just that we are taught how not to be.
It starts early, when parents say, ‘No! Stop! Don’t do that! They may start off, warning children about sticking their tongues in plug sockets, but within a few years, it becomes more subtle: “Don’t wear that it’ll make you look fat”, or “You could do better, if you only applied yourself… worked hard… stopped answering back… just behaved yourself… listened to the teacher… stopped fidgeting… started paying attention… stopped talking… didn’t play with Tommy … stopped messing around… ate your Brussels Sprouts … paid more attention in Algebra … worked harder…” You get the picture? All of which restrict us from feeling that we are allowed to be ourselves completely.
Q. Are there any courses available that can improve self-esteem?
A. Yes, from the deeply psychological Hoffman Quadrinity Process, to an Anthony Robbins weekend Empowerment Course. There are Life Coaches that specifically focus on improving confidence and self-esteem. I do a lot of confidence coaching, helping people to change the way they view their bodies and how they see themselves in the world. So there is help out there, if you know where to look.
Q. If a person is feeling nervous before an interview or important meeting, what can they do to calm their nerves beforehand?
A. It seems that a lot of slow, deep and rhythmical breathing helps. Learning to be present, stop your mind wondering off into some horrific nightmare scenario of the future (i.e the worse case scenario) or of the past (all the times you messed up or what could have been).
If you are going to imagine the interview, focus in stead on the best case scenario, imagine the meeting going really well, imagine them offering the job to your there and then.
In short:
1. Have a positive future plan
2. Breathe, stay calm and focused and keep your awareness in the present moment.
Q. Can a person with low self-esteem fake self-confidence, even if they don’t feel it?
A. Of course people can fake self-confidence, people do it all the time, but it usually comes across as arrogance, cockiness or bravado, and that’s because it’s not a natural worked-out self confidence, it’s forced, it’s pretence. But the good thing about faking it is that in reality people that don’t know you, don’t know that you lake confidence and you can be whoever you want to be and who knows this person you’re pretending to be might even help you become more confident in reality. However, the ‘fake it till you make it’ model only works in the short term. Ultimately you’ve got to start to believe your own hype and work out all the real stuff that is stopping you from just allowing yourself to be yourself completely without any apologies.
Q. If you lack self-esteem, how can you improve it?
A. It’s all about focus, until now you’ve been signed up to your own lousy low self esteem, confidence bruising, internal mind-washing programme, where you constantly play messages to yourself like:
“You’re such an idiot! I’m soooo stupid! I hate her! My bum IS fat! I look awful! I’ll never make it! I can’t do that! Nobody loves me! I’m scared of making a fool of myself! I hate my job! A glass of wine will make it better! I’m not good enough!” Etc…
The first thing to do is start to notice when you say this type of stuff to yourself. Secondly, try saying something kind, encouraging or even positively loving to yourself, like: “I’m good at lots of things! I’m intelligent and attractive! There are many people in my life that love me! I’m a good person! I love being alive! My bum is sexy! I can achieve anything I set my mind to!
But more effective that positive self-talk, is changing the way you view yourself and the world. If you suffer from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, somewhere along the line you got a very clear message from Life, and that was; ‘It’s not safe for me to be me’.
If you’re going to move forwards towards greater confidence, start to change the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself and the world. Start to TRUST yourself and trust that life loves you and supports you. And ultimately, that the world wants you to succeed and become who you’re meant to be, yourself without compromise.
Q. What are your top five tips for improving self-esteem?
A.
1. Learn to trust, love and accept yourself
2. Make your internal dialogue more positive
3. Have a plan but stay present
4. Surround yourself with positive people
5. Find yourself a Life Coach or Counsellor that specialises in Confidence and self-esteem building
It’s not the clothes you wear,
It’s not the car you drive,
The house you own,
The things you have,
It’s not a cigar,
Mobile phone,
Or your bullet-proof helicopter,
Confidence is not the money you have in the bank,
It’s not a sawn off shotgun,
It’s not something you can buy,
But it is something you can learn.
Please call me for an initial consultation.
Thanks and I look forward to speaking to you soon…
You can text or call 07877315216
or send a message to my email using this contact form – looking forward to hearing from you!